Help! My Girlfriend’s Sister Stole My Expensive Lego Sets. I Threatened to Sue Her.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

Packages constantly get stolen in our apartment complex so I usually send packages to the parents of my girlfriend (with their blessing). I ordered several large and expensive Lego sets after finishing a major project as a reward for myself. They got delivered to the house but went missing in the few days it took me to swing by. The delivery driver shot a picture of the packages and my girlfriend’s mom swore she left them in the laundry room for me. What happened was my girlfriend’s stepsister, “Amy,” helped herself to the packages. She claimed she thought they were hers and when she opened them her sons went crazy and wanted to play with them. Amy didn’t see the “harm.” Her sons destroyed over $2,000 in Lego sets and all I got was a tub of mismatched pieces.

I told Amy that if she paid for the replacements we would call it even. Amy claimed she didn’t have the money because she was saving to fix up her car, and a real man shouldn’t be playing with toys. I threatened to take it to small claims court which is when Amy’s father stepped in and paid me back. Now things are very frosty between my girlfriend and her family. Initially, my girlfriend was on my side but now makes comments about how I escalated things and should have let it go. We finally had a fight where I told her it wasn’t my fault that Amy was a damn, dirty thief and that what she did wasn’t any different than taking money out of my wallet. I am now sending packages to my workplace and it is a hassle since I work hybrid. I thought I had a pretty good relationship with my girlfriend and her parents until this. Is this a red flag or not?

—Let Go of My Lego

Dear Let Go,

Amy was dead wrong and I’m glad you got your money back. But I don’t know how you recover from calling your girlfriends’ sister a “damn dirty thief,” and making legal threats against her, that cost her father $2,000 for something that wasn’t his fault, being the source of tension between the person you’re dating and the rest of her family, and feeling betrayed by her lack of support for you. You were within your rights to handle the situation the way you did, but adversarial situations like this don’t do a lot to take a relationship to the next level. Unless everyone agrees to forgive and forget, this may be the end of the road for you two.

Think about how you felt about those Legos: You treasured them, you were willing to fight for them, and you had no question about their value. Look for that feeling about the person you date next—and hopefully, it will translate to how you handle any conflicts that may arise.

Give Prudie a Hand in “We’re Prudence”

Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.

Dear Prudence,

My brother “Brad” is an unabashed sexist whom I generally try to steer clear of. Recently, I attended a family event where we both were and was shocked when he introduced his fiancée, “Olivia.” My brother’s attitude toward women comes as if it were lifted straight from Mad Men, and I can’t imagine any self-respecting woman wanting to be with someone like that. Olivia and I managed to have a brief conversation while we were both finishing in the restroom and she mentioned how one of the things she loves about Brad is how helpful he is around their apartment. My brother is decidedly allergic to cleaning, cooking, and basically anything he believes a woman should be doing. I find it impossible to believe he’s changed and feel like I should tell Olivia if she knows what she’s signing up for. If I was in her position, I’d want to know.  

—Duty to Warn

Dear Prudence,

My newborn son is donor-conceived. I’m single. I had, I thought, been very clear with my parents and close friends when trying to conceive (I only shared my life journey with a few people) that I wanted paternity kept private. I just feel that it’s no one’s story but mine/my son’s—either people know me well enough to ask me or don’t need to know! If I was in a couple, no one would be asking “Was it IVF?” In my own life, I haven’t really had invasive questions about paternity. There’s only one friend who really probed when they asked about paternity. I made it clear I wasn’t going to share and then they stopped asking. I told my very few close friends who did know that, if anyone asked them, they could say I was single by choice and if people pushed, to respond either to ask me myself or say I was keeping it private.

To be clear, I know people will make assumptions—what I don’t like is the idea of conversations about such a personal thing taking place when I’m not part of that conversation. I also wanted it to be up to my child how much/what/when he tells people in the future so I wanted to keep the people that knew to a minimum. My parents agreed but now the entirety of my parents’ friends seem to know (at least 100 people). At a recent party, people I hadn’t seen in years approached me and congratulated me on the pregnancy while also making it clear they knew about my IVF journey. My parents insist they didn’t tell anyone other than two of their friends—but, prior to me actually being pregnant, did share that I was considering solo parenthood via IVF. So while they may not have directly shared the circumstances when I was actually pregnant, they certainly laid the groundwork and don’t seem to have laid down any expectation for my privacy—and reading between the lines, haven’t done any damage limitation when people have assumed!

The other day, another friend came to me with questions about IVF because another friend told her I’d done it… I don’t even think I’d told that friend so assumptions were presented as fact! Do people just not respect privacy or was this always an unrealistic ask on my part? It seems the ship has fully sailed. I’m really upset and frustrated, especially with my parents. But perhaps that’s ridiculous as obviously my baby came from somewhere and I’m single. Am I being unfair? Is there any way of reclaiming the privacy I want?

—Permission to Share

Dear Permission to Share,

One thing to understand about loving parents of adult children: Many of them run their own personal wire service dedicated mostly to updates about you and your life, providing their friends (and anyone who will listen) more information than they ever could have wanted about what you are up to. I could tell a long story about how I learned that a picture of me in a hospital bed being treated for preeclampsia—something that never would have occurred to me that anyone would want to share—ended up in the inboxes of multiple adults who I don’t know well. I won’t, but just trust me when I say I get it. Unless you explicitly and repeatedly tell your parents something is top secret, it’s getting sent out to the masses. So, lesson learned.

Of course, you still have your feelings to deal with. I can understand how much it sucks that people know something you’d hoped would be private. But keep in mind: Many of these people are not your friends, they’re your parents’ friends. If you’re seeing them less than once a year at a party, they’re not important figures in your life, and it’s unlikely they’ll be important figures in your child’s life either. In the same way that having an embarrassing moment on vacation doesn’t matter because you’ll never see those people again, this barely affects your day-to-day. When it comes to your actual friends who heard through the grapevine, you can tell them you’d really hoped to keep the details of your conception private and are disappointed that your friend spread the news. Then request that they keep what they know confidential. Going forward, provide your parents and friends with clear instructions to stop talking about anything to do with your reproductive system.

All that said, I do want to encourage you to think about the toll of attempting to keep the details of your path to becoming a mother secret, and whether it’s worth it. You have a lifetime of questions about your child’s father and assumptions about your use of reproductive technology ahead of you. Add, if you continue on this path, a lifetime of being offended by prying and preoccupied that people know or assume details you don’t think they should even be thinking about. On the one hand, yes, it’s all very private. And on the other hand, so is sex but we all kind of know that the majority of people did it to get their children and that’s not generally thought to be upsetting. So I hope you’ll contemplate whether what’s driving your desire to keep this information to yourself is driven by a need for privacy, or more by shame. If it’s the latter, it could be a relief—and even, eventually become really exciting and validating—to work to let it go and begin to take pride in the miraculous combination of love, luck, and science that brought you your son. You’d be trading in privacy (or an attempt at it) for the ability to connect with and almost certainly inspire and encourage other people who have traveled a similar path or would like to.

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Dear Prudence,

Before I married my husband, he told me that he might have a biological daughter from a brief summer fling. The mother denied that he was the father, despite the little girl looking exactly like my sister-in-law as a baby, and her own husband was on the birth certificate (they were not married when my husband got together with the mother). My husband didn’t push the subject, but felt that I should be prepared. I thought I was, but when the young woman, “Em,” approached my husband last year and got a DNA test that proved the paternity, it turned our lives upside down. Em is estranged from both her parents and is desperate to forge some kind of family connection here—except she is extremely hostile to me.

She ignores me, talks over me, or shoots me dirty looks when I am affectionate toward my husband. Maybe I could rationalize her behavior if she was my actual stepdaughter instead of a relative stranger, but frankly, her behavior gives me the creeps. Em has physically gotten between me and my husband when I go to hug him. It also makes the husband uncomfortable but he feels like he owes her something. She has visited several times and been introduced to my in-laws. My mother-in-law is over the moon about having a granddaughter. My husband and I don’t have kids and neither do any of his siblings. We had plans to go camping with my in-laws this summer and Em got invited by my mother-in-law at the last minute. I am not comfortable being in close quarters with Em like this. I am ready to back out entirely but my husband feels we are obligated to make an effort. I have been making an effort these last 12 months and I am tired of trying. For the record, I am adopted myself though it was an open adoption. I never acted like this toward my birth father or adoptive father (my parents divorced and both remarried when I was in high school). How far do I push this?

—Issues With Em

Dear Issues With Em,

“We” are obligated to make an effort? No, he is obligated to make an effort. And I’m sure you would be happy to support him if that effort didn’t include being treated like crap.

To try to get to that not-being-treated-like-crap point, if you are willing to extend yourself a bit by talking to her about it, try this: “Hey Em, I’ve picked up on the feeling that you might be upset with me or be angry when I’m around your dad [or whatever she calls him]. This reunion between the two of you has been intense and I can’t begin to imagine what you’re feeling but I don’t like being ignored or getting dirty looks. Can you tell me anything about what’s going on and if there’s anything I can do to make you more comfortable with my presence?” There’s a chance that this will disarm her and lead her to open up and stop seeing you as the enemy. Or maybe it will simply make her self-conscious enough about the behavior that she reels it in.

But if nothing changes, you don’t have to take it anymore. Your husband can pursue his relationship with Em on his own (which might be the best idea anyway, as I’m sure there are lots of complicated feelings swirling for both of them) and ask you to join when, and if, she can be civil to you. Until then, back out of this trip. You won’t be making a statement about your lack of understanding or empathy for this young woman. You’ll just be choosing to avoid hostile treatment, exactly like you would with any other adult. And you’ll be giving your husband and his parents space to connect with her, without all the bad vibes.

How to Get Advice

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

I am a 24-year-old woman who has exactly zero experience in dating. A couple of guys have expressed interest in me in the past, but I turned them both down because I didn’t want to be more than just friends. I never even had a crush on anyone before I met this guy “Will.” With him, I feel like I’ve finally met someone I could see myself dating. He’s kind, sweet, and hardworking—everything I admire in a man. We’ve been a part of the same social circle for over a year now, and I’ve always liked him, but now I really like him, and I can’t be sure but it seems like he might like me too. He offered to be on my team during a game night when I lamented my lack of skill, and he made a point to remember my birthday and text me, while everyone else in the group forgot. How can I show him I’m interested in him without being too overt and making a fool of myself if he doesn’t really feel the same way?

—Crushing for the First Time

Dear Crushing,

First of all, a lot of 24-year-olds are very inexperienced so try not to feel too weird about that. Second, congratulate yourself on being clear about the kind of guy you like, and taking the time to get to know someone before you decide you have feelings. It shows good judgment.

There are many possible ways forward here, but before I encourage you to make a move, I want you to ask yourself whether you will be OK if you don’t get the response you want. Rejection is something everyone experiences, but it’s tough, and if you will truly feel like a “fool” if he doesn’t return your feelings, and if that feeling will chip away at your confidence or make you retreat from your social circle, I don’t know that you should risk it. To be clear: You will not be a fool, no matter what happens! But I refuse to send you into a situation that could leave emotional scars, especially when you already have some insecurities around dating. So, if you want to play it safe, as an alternative to being explicit about your interest, you could simply continue to respond to his gestures with a bit of additional warmth. More eye contact. A shoulder touch here and there. A text saying, “Just wanted to thank you” (for being on your team, the happy birthday wishes, or whatever). A compliment. You could simply give him a little more to go on without really putting yourself out there and hope he takes the bait. That’s perfectly acceptable and not scary.

But if you can convince yourself that you’ll get over it (and maybe even that it will be a character-building experience!) if your friend doesn’t return your interest, do something a little more forward. One option is to confide in a trusted friend from your shared circle who might be willing to do some work behind the scenes to inform him of your interest and encourage him to make a move. Another would be to ask him to hang out. You don’t have to call it a date. He’ll get it. You could say something like, “Thanks for being on my team for game night. I could really use more practice playing Trivial Pursuit before next time—would you ever want to get together and help me?” or “I was thinking about grabbing dinner before going to Mutual Friend’s birthday party. Any interest?” And finally, you could do the bravest and potentially most effective thing, which would be to tell the truth, in person, over the phone, or via text: “I’m nervous about saying this but as we’ve hung out over the past year, I’ve realized I enjoy being around you so much and you have so many qualities I really admire. I think I like you more than a friend! What do you think—would you want to go out sometime? If not, I still value our friendship and really don’t want to make things awkward in our group so we can pretend this conversation never happened with no hard feelings!”

I trust your perception that he may return your interest. And because you say he’s kind, I’m hopeful that even if the answer is, “I’m actually seeing someone” or “I’m not in a place to have a relationship right now,” you will be able to weather the disappointment. Plus, you’ll now have more experience with dating—specifically with the very hardest part of dating, rejection—than you did before and will be more prepared for the next opportunity, which will absolutely arrive.

Dear Prudence,

I’m a mom to three young children. We have a new babysitter that has been coming a few times a month for about six months now. She is very sweet and has been great with the kids who absolutely love her. She is 18 and about to graduate high school. We usually chat for a bit when she comes. She told me she is not planning to go to college and instead is doing an international youth mission program starting in December. I was curious about it, so I did a quick online search on the program and it is…not good. It’s often described as a cult and there are lots of traumatizing stories from people who went through it.

I’m not worried about my kids; I am usually home when she’s here and know what’s going on. So I feel like it’s probably none of my business, but I’m a worrier and therefore am worried about her. She was homeschooled, is very involved in her evangelical church, and seems somewhat naive. On the other hand, she has a phone and internet, and it wasn’t exactly hard to find information about this program, so she must be aware of the bad stuff(?). Would it be weird to say something to her? She’s so excited about it, I doubt I would change her mind. But it also feels disingenuous to be encouraging.

—Please Don’t Join a Cult

Dear Don’t Join a Cult,

I agree that you probably won’t talk her into canceling her international flight and enrolling in a local community college instead, but it’s worth a try. Will it be weird? Yes, it’ll absolutely be weird. But that’s not the worst thing in the world.

Print out some of the information you’ve stumbled on, and the next time you see her say, “I know that you are an adult now and this isn’t my business. So please forgive me but I found some concerning information about the mission you’re participating in and I wanted to share it with you because I’m worried about you being mistreated or getting into a situation that feels hard to get out of. You don’t owe me any information about what you decide, but if you do end up going and you ever feel unsafe or uncomfortable, I am available to talk to you/exchange WhatsApp messages with you/send you money to come home/let you stay in my spare room if you return and need time to figure out your next steps.”

Classic Prudie

“Nick” and I have been dating for five months. It has been unbelievable, and I have never felt like this before—not even when I married my late husband. Unfortunately, his ex is seven months pregnant. She didn’t bother to tell Nick until someone caught her going out.

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